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Showing posts from August, 2008

I Heart Hospitals

I must really like hospitals. Or doctors, maybe that's it. Or maybe my body is just falling apart. I went to the OB/GYN yesterday and I "get" to have surgery on the 18th. I have endometriosis and have since I was a teen. Although there are other "options", I think getting in there and getting rid of what she can, now, is the best bet. Here's the other new fun options that have been developed in recent years. 1. IUD - this is an interuterine device. It is implanted and pretty much bumps around in there so that if you did become pregnant, that poor little baby would be murderd and the lining of his/her home would be irritated so badly that he/she couldn't settle in properly. ((((shudder)))) I guess this device has been clinically proven to lessen cramping for some women. GREAT BIG NEGATORY ON THAT ONE Next we have an injection called: 2. Lupron - this drug tricks your body into thinking you have gone into menopause. The fact that you no longer

On My Mind

There is a topic that is on my mind lately. A friend of my on MySpace posted new pictures of her and one of her friends living it up at a bar/club/can't tell. They appear to be impared and there are photos of one of them with her head up the shirt of another chick. Hmmmm. Now, let me qualify this by saying I am not "judging" as I have no qualification or desire to do that. I am, however, concerned when I see people being "happy". For me, happiness doesn't include a hangover, or going somewhere where I have to compare my 30 something body with the 20 somethings. And maybe I just want to stir the pot, open that can or worms, or rock the boat. I'm kind of that way. Either way, let's discuss. Maybe the whole bar scene is okay when your in your 20's. But by the time you are in your 30's it's just kind of sad. I couldn't help but think about these women's kids when I was looking at these pictures of them drinking and acting like

Not Drunk Just Overweight

Well, I ran into the arms of Godfather's pizza. The kids are junking out on TV and the baby is playing with a package of wipes. I may not be making the very best choices, but I stayed away from the really bad one. Thank you Jesus.

I'm in Trouble

That voice is back. The one that has, for a while now, been trying to convince me that a glass of wine wouldn't hurt. Now that voices is a full fledged entity causing me to pause as a drive by bars at 7am. This happens when I get overwrought, overtired and overextended. While the logical choice is to ensure that I get some rest, the alcoholic in me suggests that we kill the pain temporarily and press on like some great martyr nailed to the cross of perseverance. Really, it's just a ploy. She's always in there. And always will be. It was three years in June since my last drink and I know without a shadow of a doubt that I cannot be a "normal" drinker. I don't drink to celebrate, socialize, or relax (okay, those too.) But I drink to forget, soothe, and deal with life. When I quit, I had to re-learn coping techniques to deal with everyday life. Being sober for over three years, I am somewhat of a veteran recovering alcoholic. And not only with length

Be Where Your Hands Are

During my last tour of the 12-Step Program world, my sposor would regularly tell me to be where my hands were. What that means, is to concentrate on the moment. It's a hard thing to do. With all the things you have to do in a day the urge to multi-task is overwealming. It's very common to do more than one thing at one time. In fact, if you are someone that does not do that very well, you may be seen as somewhat underachieving. And if you multi-task very well people say things like, "my she's organized and driven". I tend to multi-task much to well, albeit only for a time. I often take care of my personal banking, make a grocery list, mentally plan dinner and work on the day's A/P all at once. I don't know any other way. My mind is constantly churning, planning and devising. When it stops making sense I start praying. Trying to build a business from home over the internet has exaserbated the problem. I do marketing on my own so I am forever thinki

Struck Down but Not Destroyed

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 Just wanted you to remember that. I'm feeling alot of turmoil due to my job situation. I feel loyal to them but I am just absolutely fed up with all of it. Nothing changes, the rules apply to certain people and not to others, blah blah blah. I quit!

Should Be Doing Something

guess I should be doing something other than putzing around on the computer. I have leads that really need calling... My brain feels like bread pudding. Today I made it through the day by the sheer will of God and some trust and stubbornness on my part. Right now I am listening to the kids fight in the girls' room. The baby is screaming non stop now because she just gets into everything!! Consequently I tell her no constantly. Tonight she learned to climb the steps and pinced her fingres in the dresser drawers! Oh boy, poor baby! I am also listening to my son complain... about EVERYTHING! He is whining about doing the dishes, about sitting down about standing up - sheesh! He's mad at me. I decided that he can't go over to his friends house anymore. I like the kid - but his mom smokes in the house and they are allowed to play video games that I don't like Liam to play. He went over there several times this summer, I was sort of on the fence. I mean, you ca

Freedom

A couple of months ago I wrote a blog entitled "I Can Do Whatever I Want". I have been disenchanted with my current working situation for some time, but just lack the cahones to do anything about it. I started a home based business and am having marginal success. I believe in the company, it's founder and CEO and it's products. I have a tremendous support team and all the free training I can handle. But I'm tired. It will take approximately another year to build my business to the point where I can do it alone and discontinue working outside the home. That's not very long! But it is when you have a full time job and three kids to boot. Maybe I'm just going through a funk. I get tired and things get out of focus. I had a wonderful weekend last weekend, but it was majorly depleting in a physical sense. I'm weary and I miss my husband so bad! If I could only find a way to work from home soon so he could work a normal shift. I hate not seeing e

Under Attack

Okay, I'm convinced. I am under attack. I hate to complain...however. Today I have the kind of migraine that makes you think you are going insane. I am light and sound sesitive and nearly went into a siezure from the stupid ad banner flashing at the top of this page. I had my "review" today. For those of you in professional positions or positions with real bosses you might think of different things when you think of your review. For me - it's a little sit down session where my boss thanks me for putting up with him for another year, tells me I am excellent accept for my attendance and gives me a nice little pay increase. Only this year there was no increase. I understand. I am okay with that. They have to give the the guys in the field the money so that they don't quit. They have worked with me on my scheduling and let me work 7-3 instead of 8-5 so that we can save on daycare. So that's like a raise in itself. I only wish that it hadn't been prec

Lonely Friday

Tonight will be different when I get home. Used to be that David was off on Fridays and I looked forward to getting off work and going home to him. ***Sigh*** Tonight it will be just like every other weekday. Me: Hi. When did Susan go down? Him: Hi honey, oh about 20 minutes ago. Me: Great, how was your day? Him: Pretty good, tired though. Me: Oh man, I know babe - me to. (Big hugs, nice smoochy smoochy) Him: Have a good night. Me: You too, honey - I love you! Sad looks all the way around and waves bye-bye. And that's it for the whole day. Wash, rinse, repeat. Until tomorrow when I get to TALK to my husband! And I'm so excited too! We are driving back to his families' neck of the woods for a visit. And I would gladly give up Friday night for Sunday all day! Woo hoo! It will be so nice to get out of town and have some drive time and talk time. Tonight I'm trying to get creative...methinks it's time for the girls and I to break out the hot rollers a

The Power of Affliction

A few months ago I got to thinking that God and I were just not personal anymore. Don't get me wrong, I know who moved, but I was just feeling like you feel when someone you care about is gone for a long stretch. You miss them but you know you will see them soon so you don't really worry about it. Still - you sit and think and sometimes doubt thier allegience to you and you just can't wait til you see them again so that you can be reassured. That's the way it was going for me and God. I didn't understand the quasi-apathy that was niggling at my heart. I was praying, reading the Bible and going to church - but felt like it was "same old same old". Well - for those of you who are new here, let me just say that when I told God that I longed for that intimate all dependent relationship we used to have in the begining, he gave me many reasons to rely on him as of late. And while I wouldn't recommend any of the things that I have been through lately as

Getting There

Well, while getting up at 5am seems a little crazy at first, it's really going pretty well. Monday I did some treadmilling for about 45 minutes, yesterday I did one of my exercise tapes for strength training and then today it was back on the treadmill. I was about to say that it's the only time I get that is kid-free, but then I remembered that Alahnnah was up with me this morning. I tucked her in next to David and she went back to sleep. I was listening to Back to the Bible this morning for a while and they were talking about the confession of sin. Jesus taught in the New Testament that if you sin against someone you should go to them and confess your sin. What they were saying on the radio was that, Biblically, if you sin agains many - you should confess to many. They gave an example of a man, who in his youth, visited Austrailia. While he was there he stole a boomarang from a historical display. Twenty years later, God pressed apon this man to confess his sin. So, he

Hollar!

What do you think of when you think of a Mom? I guess it would depend largely on what your frame of reference is on the subject. Meaning that, whatever kind of Mom you had (have) is what you think a Mom should be (or shouldn't be). Nobody's perfect, not even dear Mom. Some days I feel so far left of center that I question whether I was a good choice for a Mom or not. Lately I have been feeling the "just leave me alone"s. I don't want to hear about Princesses or video games or anything. I just want to think all on my own. And I don't want to think about work, or work, or housework, or finances, or family. I just want some totally brainless downtime. So, in that, I feel like a totally bad mother! I don't know how many "shoulds" I can come up with that I'm not fulfilling, but I bet thiers a bunch. With kids it's really hard to hug them when they've been cheesing you off all day. Earlier both girls were just screaming to screa

Cheese With That Whine?

Wow am I ever tired of having issues. It seems every time I turn around these days there is some kind of owie bugging me. Dave assures me that it doesn't sound like whining to him, but I think he's just sweeter than most. Today was church and Sunday school. I got to be in the nursery during worship hour and that was fun. I work in the one year old room. So I get to spend some time with Tiny and play with some other babies too. The one little girl was quite the destroyer but oh so sweet! Her mommy was our wedding coordinator and such a sweetheart herself. David has known Geri for many years and its kind of neat that we have babies that are two months apart! Yesterday we went and hit a nice sale at Shopko. We picked up the kids' backpacks, shoes, ans undies and socks for school. They both found shoes very quickly and even acted gracious and happy to get them! Maybe they aren't totally spoiled afterall. I picked up a couple of shirts that were on clearance for $3! Talk abo

Letting Off Steam

am low down in the dumps depressed today. I am so out of patience with the Saga of the Hand, I could scream. It started in June. They thought I sprained it and put a splint on it. Then they started treating me for gout, then it was off to a rhuemetologist and a shot in the butt of cortizone, which started my hand on fire as soon as I left the office. The next day I saw a surgeon, the day after that surgery to drain a pocket of staph infection, an overnight stay in the hospital with complications, allergic reactions, and pain that wouldn't stay under control. Then it was whirlpool treatments and packing and unpacking the wound every day for two weeks. I had to be heavily drugged and it hurt so bad I screamed the first two times. Another horrible allergic reaction to the antibiotic, a different antibiotic ($250 a bottle) side effects from being on pain meds for to long. The incision finally healed up and we were on the good path. Then things started to get bad again. I spent all week

I Think It's Getting Worse Again

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I am very discouraged that this hand issue isn't getting any better. I had to call THREE times this week to get some pain pills and they generously moved my follow up appointment up a couple of days. Today I finally asked her if I needed to see my GP, or if Dr Gove would want to see me... that seemed to "light a fire" and they conceeded to even entertain the notion that I needed to be seen again. I understand that they may no know what to do with this issue, but a little sympathy would go a long way.

Thanks But No Thanks

The weird dreams can stop now. I'm so tired this morning becasue I wasn't sleeping last night, I was fighting! Last night I dreamed that instead of changing the baby, I just would change the whole bottom half of her. So instead of grabbing the diaper to throw away after I was done, I grabbed a butt and a set of legs. I was thinking "how do I know they will grow back?" So wierd. Also, The Ex showed up in my dreams again. This time it wasn't good. Normally he just floats through, but this time was ugly. Yesterday I had to do a bit of damage control over the phone with him. There were some papers that needed to be completed for the adoption. Apparantly when the petition was submitted to the State, Vital Stats had changed thier requirements and needed one more form. So, of course, he was irritated and confused about why he was having to sign more paperwork and have it notaraized. At this point I think he thought that we were trying to pull one over on him.

Update on My Stupid Hand

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My hand seems to be getting worse now. The incision has all healed but the redness remains. I have pain shooting into my palm and wrist. It turns puple when I hold it down at my side to long and by the end of the day it hurts so bad I want to cry! Please pray for Dr. Gove to be able to find what's causing this and help me. I have been on antibiotics (two different ones) for over a month.

More to Life Than Blogging?

While I can't imagine that it's true, it seems that my life has been to busy to write my blog lately! My home business is really taking off, and while I do have to work for my money, it is turning out to be everything they said it would be. I have been doing pretty well and stopping what I'm doing at 10:00 and heading to bed. One night last week I was still up when Hubby got home at 11:30, but that was a rarity. Boy oh boy I paid for that all week long, too. Just can't seem to "catch up" on my sleep like I used to. I need at least 7 hours consistently to stay healthy. Got my new new phone yesterday! I had gotten an HTC Touch, but didn't like the touch aspect of it. Very cool phone, has windows on it and I got it in white. But when you dial so many numbers everyday, you ned an actual phone phone. Does that make any sense? So my dear, sweet Husband traded it in for me. Wow, I've only had my Blackberry Curve for less than 24 hours and I'm al

A Little Reflection

Ten years ago, I couldn't get a decent job, lived from place to place, and had no transportation that was reliable. Five yeas ago I wouldn't have dreamed of stepping foot in a church - unless they were giving me money. Although I wasn't wholly a bad person, I was a severly addicted and abused person, and was not trustworthy or reliable. Things started to change when the Lord sent me on a job interview. I lied to get the interview and lied in the interview. My resume was all lies and my references were all family - which - I lied about. When I walked out of there, I figured there was no way I was getting hired there - and even if I did, I probably couldn't do the job anyway. I lied about all of my skills. I just needed a leg up. I knew I could succeed if someone just gave me a chance. I had broken away from my abuser, tried to clean up my act a bit and just needed a break. I lied on my resume becasue I felt if someone would just hire me, I would learn as I went