Thursday, December 31, 2009

Pinpointed Perfection

The last day of 2009, woohoo! I feel good about this last year. I learned much. One thing, in particular is that I don't want to give birth to any more babies. Now, I wouldn't mind HAVING more babies, but I don't want to carry them.

The wreckage of that was somewhat addressed today in a doctors office. I've been having back trouble. Yep, just like everyone else. I had some chiropractic and some PT, been consistent with stretching and exercise. So then came the MRI, which was pretty clean. So the next thing was this injection I had today.

Turns out the theory is that my Sacoriliac joint is inflamed. By inserting a disturbingly long needle into that joint and filling it with cortisone, it should help to reduce that inflamation. This joint is the one that holds you hip to your "back" if you will. It loosens and widens when you are preggers and allows for baby passage. Yikes. It's pretty sore. This guy was not what I would consider gentle.

Mom came down to watch the little ones and also brought my half beef from the processing plant in Walbach. Oh my, I am SO excited to cook up a juicy burger, or make stroganoff with real stew meat. We have been near vegetarians lately due to the price of meat. No More!

Off to the neighbors for New Year! I'm excited to hang out with them. Our daughters are BFF - so it's time to get to know them better as well. It will help take my mind off of my back.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Pain Well Placed

I have been given many reasons to decrease my body weight and increase my health. I have four beautiful children to chase after. I also have some athletic goals that I set before we had these last two young babies and my weight got out of hand. Half Marathon - check, Marathon - next, Triathlon - after that.

Having been a smoker through the teens and twenties, I am happy to now have the health and the option to participate in sports. I have a bike, would like to learn more about that. Swimming...we'll see how long it takes me to tackle that one. It seems that running is best for me - I am only able to concentrate on the one foot in front of the other thing!

Most of the time, I am blissfully unaware of my weight. The kids don't remind me, my husband loves me heavy, thin, whatever. I don't look at the tag on the pants when I put them on (though I do notice they are w-i-d-e-r than they used to be!) I don't shop much for clothing, and have a regulated home based lifestyle.

Pictures are a nice reminder. Ah yes, those holiday photos are rolling out on the social networking sites reminding me that I still carry the pounds from this past year. I was wearing a particularly bad wardrobe choice in a series of photos that made me cringe. It appears that I should NEVER WEAR THAT SHIRT IN PUBLIC AGAIN.

That's some motivation for me!

My 34th birthday was the past Monday. With all the well wishes, "wall posts", hugs, and home made cards came a gift card. To a lovely store that only sells women's clothing. I certainly won't be able to buy any diapers, or bread, or anything for anyone but me with THAT! How sweet. How thoughtful. How embarrassing.

Another reminder, as the gift was to a Plus Size Boutique.

I will stay positive as to the intentions of the giver. Never a harsh word has come that way, no reason to think they had nefarious intentions. But I cried over the implication and the idea that not only do I know that I am overweight, but obviously so does everyone else.

There was something about the statement of permanence in that gift. It may as well have come to life a la Harry Potter and shouted "Hey Fatty, Happy Birthday! Here's a gift to someplace that has stuff that will fit you. Ha ha ha ha ha!"

Its just that I am working so hard to loose weight and it's coming off so slow. I AM changing - it's just taking time. I don't know what nursing that baby has to do with it - but maybe my body just hangs on to calories better right now. I know I look like a chubby housewife on the outside - but if you saw me on the treadmill and could peek into my solid, strong, beating heart - you would see an athlete on the inside.

And that's what I see.

I also see myself buying jewelry with that gift card. I'm not buying any more clothes in this size. I don't need any and until the season changes, I have no reason to. Won't it be nice to still be enjoying that generous gift by next year? Next year when I can't shop there for clothes any more. Next year when I look like the athlete within.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Miracles and Madness

The other day when my husband was home during the day with us - he looked at me and said the words I've longed to hear. Yes, in the midst of a screaming baby, a naked sprinting toddler, two fighting big kids and the blaring TV - my beloved says "This is madness! I don't see how you do it!"

With my spirit bolstered and my pride stroked a bit, I just shrugged and agreed that it is indeed madness, smiled and said "And I make it look GOOD." Hey, you have to laugh or you'll cry sometimes!

I was happy to be acknowledged. At a conventional job, you may get a regular performance review. What follows would be suggestions, commendations, and if your lucky, additional compensation. I don't care about the compensation as such. I am paid in hugs. I also hold the title of "Only One Who Can Comfort" at times. That is worth a Million Bucks, roughly, in US Currency.

But what I sometimes crave is an overall assessment of my performance. There are things I do just for my husband and sometimes wonder if he notices. I fold his shirts differently than everyone else's because that's the way he folds them when he does it. It's small - but I like to do things "right".

Am I doing a good job with the shirts? Am I doing a good job with the children? I don't know. I guess so. Although I know he would like to see our 2yr old wear clothes more often. It's like trying to tame a wild animal right now.

A naked, smelly, loud, sometimes sticky wild animal. Good thing she's sorta cute.

I don't really need a pat on the back everyday - but things get difficult. I also have to keep in mind that a man thinks differently than a woman. He comes home and sees dinner made, kids still in one piece and a path from the door to the kitchen and chalks my day up as success!

To me, all I can see is a mess, and being half deaf from the screaming freak-out session just moments before he pulled in the driveway - I don't hear his pleasant, encouraging greeting.

Come to think of it - maybe I am getting my kudos. I just can't hear anymore.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas Eve

Wow, what a day!

Busy, busy - and I even got a 20min nap this afternoon. Unfortunately, I am in such a funk that I hardly can write to you. People's voices are grating on me. I want to throw things. No it is not that TOM.

I ran this morning to rid my body of frustration. That just served to make me more tired and grumpy. My house got a bomb dropped on it of wrapping paper and ribbons. My Mom and Son made a PIE in my doing dishes at 9pm. Lord almighty how I would love to have a dishwasher.

I will try to be in a better mood tomorrow. :D Promise.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Gifts for Mamma

What a fantastic day of blessings! In this pre-Christmas week, it seems that generosity is the buzzword. Giving is great, but giving with thoughtfulness is truly admirable.

At church on Sunday there was a package with my name on it and no "from" tag. Inside was three large bottles of product from Bath and Body Works. Shower gel, lotion, and scented spray. To top it off, the scent is absolutely perfect! It's a woodsy, natural, patuli type scent. I love it so much I sure wish I could thank whomever decided that I needed a gift!

Then this morning, Sweetie Boy's Mommy brought me a gift. Inside was a lovely ornament with SB's picture, a Christmas card with both of their little mugs and a Shopko gift card. The amount was extremely generous and I just appreciate it SO very much. I'm not used to having a whole lot of disposable money to use on myself - Sweetie Boy's Mommy is pretty intuitive and apparently loves her daycare lady!!