Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Pain Well Placed

I have been given many reasons to decrease my body weight and increase my health. I have four beautiful children to chase after. I also have some athletic goals that I set before we had these last two young babies and my weight got out of hand. Half Marathon - check, Marathon - next, Triathlon - after that.

Having been a smoker through the teens and twenties, I am happy to now have the health and the option to participate in sports. I have a bike, would like to learn more about that. Swimming...we'll see how long it takes me to tackle that one. It seems that running is best for me - I am only able to concentrate on the one foot in front of the other thing!

Most of the time, I am blissfully unaware of my weight. The kids don't remind me, my husband loves me heavy, thin, whatever. I don't look at the tag on the pants when I put them on (though I do notice they are w-i-d-e-r than they used to be!) I don't shop much for clothing, and have a regulated home based lifestyle.

Pictures are a nice reminder. Ah yes, those holiday photos are rolling out on the social networking sites reminding me that I still carry the pounds from this past year. I was wearing a particularly bad wardrobe choice in a series of photos that made me cringe. It appears that I should NEVER WEAR THAT SHIRT IN PUBLIC AGAIN.

That's some motivation for me!

My 34th birthday was the past Monday. With all the well wishes, "wall posts", hugs, and home made cards came a gift card. To a lovely store that only sells women's clothing. I certainly won't be able to buy any diapers, or bread, or anything for anyone but me with THAT! How sweet. How thoughtful. How embarrassing.

Another reminder, as the gift was to a Plus Size Boutique.

I will stay positive as to the intentions of the giver. Never a harsh word has come that way, no reason to think they had nefarious intentions. But I cried over the implication and the idea that not only do I know that I am overweight, but obviously so does everyone else.

There was something about the statement of permanence in that gift. It may as well have come to life a la Harry Potter and shouted "Hey Fatty, Happy Birthday! Here's a gift to someplace that has stuff that will fit you. Ha ha ha ha ha!"

Its just that I am working so hard to loose weight and it's coming off so slow. I AM changing - it's just taking time. I don't know what nursing that baby has to do with it - but maybe my body just hangs on to calories better right now. I know I look like a chubby housewife on the outside - but if you saw me on the treadmill and could peek into my solid, strong, beating heart - you would see an athlete on the inside.

And that's what I see.

I also see myself buying jewelry with that gift card. I'm not buying any more clothes in this size. I don't need any and until the season changes, I have no reason to. Won't it be nice to still be enjoying that generous gift by next year? Next year when I can't shop there for clothes any more. Next year when I look like the athlete within.

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