Sunday, December 19, 2010

Crossroads

I've been sitting here stalling. I need to write this blog but I don't want to out myself. Somehow when you say something it then becomes real.

I've tried several first lines, fiddled around with some titles, and tried to lighten it up. I can't decide what to think, so it's hard to write it down.

I love our children. I want more. I tell myself and everyone else that I don't. I lie to myself and say things like - "I'm getting to old" or "we can't afford it." I try to remind myself about how terrible my last pregnancy and birth was, but underneath it all I wouldn't mind having another one.

I don't know if I would survive another year of sleep deprivation, another year of nursing, another year of recovery. We already have social issues arising from our plethora of pre-schoolers and hubby and I haven't been on a date since April. It's hard to go anywhere, and with the age spread, harder still to find something that everyone will be excited about.

Up until a month ago, whenever anyone would ask, I would say NO and laugh out loud about having any more kids. What changed? Is it a phase? Am I finally getting close to some of my fitness goals and want an excuse to stop working so hard? Is it the fact that our youngest is nearer to 2 years old that I'd like?

Whatever the reason is - I have babyitis. My logical mind knows that my personal 5 year plan has nothing to do with another baby. My head tells me all of the things that we are going to be doing in 2011 (running, learning to swim, more weight lifting) likely wouldn't happen. But every time I see a baby lately, my heart starts to whine.

I will turn 35 next Tuesday. Hubby and I used our massive brains to decide that we should be all done having babies by then. I feel a little sad. It feels like the passing of an era. I'm happy to mother the 4 children that we do have. Our oldest son is 12 and is starting to question the world. It's time to concentrate on the aspects of older children and leave the babies to the 20-Somethings.

Right?

5 comments:

  1. Hmmmm...not quite sure what to say. You are right about all the things that wouldnt happen if you did have more kids right now. And you are right that you cant afford it and probably dont have room for another kid, lol. But you have to do what is right for you. That said, I would really think long and hard about this. You have really been thru the wringer with mastitis, nursing, sleep deprivation, and on and on. Is it fair to put yourself thru that again? Is it fair to your other kids to put yourself thru that again, plus adding another baby? I dunno, its of course something you have to answer for yourself. But I would examine whether this is a passing phase or not before getting pregnant again. ;) I love ya.

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  2. I can understand this feeling. When I realized that Rick was my last, I, got a little sad. I know I was much older than you, but the feeling was the same. I loved being a mom so much that I couldn't imagine doing anything else. I know you love having a baby around and can't imagine your life any other way. You are a wonderful mother to your large age spread of children. You are a wonderful teacher. In you journey to resolve this, I know you will make the right decision for you and your family. Don't feel selfish if you decide to grow along with your four children instead of adding another baby.

    Love you always,
    Mom

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  3. No worries, ladies. No more babies. Just needed to work it out in my head. I love children and am going to concentrate on raising the ones we have!

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  4. Oh Andrea (((HUGS))) I went thru the same 'heart' struggle the last 2 years! After every baby I was immediately ready for the next one, but when #5 was about 3 mo old, I started to have feelings of 'maybe i'm done...?' I had NEVER felt that before so I prayed alot about it and really felt it was God telling us our family was complete. I was good with that for about 8 months. A little after Josh was a year, I started to question that and struggled pretty seriously for a good 6 months. I think I needed to go thru the struggle to get to where I am now. If the Lord blesses us with another baby, I will TOTALLY see it as a blessing. But for now, I am saying that we're done, and I have peace in my heart about it. As much as I MIIIIIS baby-hood (but not the sleepless nights, engorgement, poopy blow outs and that whole labor and delivery bit) I feel at peace and excited about this next stage in our life =)

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  5. If it makes you feel any better; even us "older" moms (of those 20-somethings) get babyitis. It's a woman-thing.

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