I've tried several first lines, fiddled around with some titles, and tried to lighten it up. I can't decide what to think, so it's hard to write it down.
I love our children. I want more. I tell myself and everyone else that I don't. I lie to myself and say things like - "I'm getting to old" or "we can't afford it." I try to remind myself about how terrible my last pregnancy and birth was, but underneath it all I wouldn't mind having another one.
I don't know if I would survive another year of sleep deprivation, another year of nursing, another year of recovery. We already have social issues arising from our plethora of pre-schoolers and hubby and I haven't been on a date since April. It's hard to go anywhere, and with the age spread, harder still to find something that everyone will be excited about.
Up until a month ago, whenever anyone would ask, I would say NO and laugh out loud about having any more kids. What changed? Is it a phase? Am I finally getting close to some of my fitness goals and want an excuse to stop working so hard? Is it the fact that our youngest is nearer to 2 years old that I'd like?
Whatever the reason is - I have babyitis. My logical mind knows that my personal 5 year plan has nothing to do with another baby. My head tells me all of the things that we are going to be doing in 2011 (running, learning to swim, more weight lifting) likely wouldn't happen. But every time I see a baby lately, my heart starts to whine.
I will turn 35 next Tuesday. Hubby and I used our massive brains to decide that we should be all done having babies by then. I feel a little sad. It feels like the passing of an era. I'm happy to mother the 4 children that we do have. Our oldest son is 12 and is starting to question the world. It's time to concentrate on the aspects of older children and leave the babies to the 20-Somethings.