Friday, September 9, 2011

Making Things Difficult

First of all, WHERE oh where have these babies been all my life!?!

Chocolate Lovers Champ Cone
I was so depressed earlier in the week - all things chocolate cure all things...I feel so silly!!

Even without the ice cream - today was a better day.  My hill running this morning was fraught with delay after delay after irritation, but I got three repeats in and a mile on either side of warm and cool.  Not my hardest effort - but still a little afraid to push the left hammie...she was SUCH a nag for SO long.

It was definitely me that changed.  I still had to pick up the house for my babysitting clients, still had to cook meals, school kids, and shop for groceries, but something clicked with me between yesterday and today that helped this hysteria make sense.

My sister said to me yesterday:

You just have this penchant for driving yourself nuts on an almost constant basis, and I guess I don't understand it.

At first I was like - whatever... and what the heck is a penchant anyway?? 

a strong inclination, taste, or liking for something.

Then, as the brick that is my brain, was somehow penetrated with this thought, I figured something out.

She's right.

Before I got this SAHM gig, I had this friend that stayed home with her kids.  She had 2 older ones in school and one pre-K at home.  Her hubby worked an early shift and she spent her days cleaning around the commode with a toothbrush, watching soap operas, and playing taxi for the kids.  I remember thinking - "Wow, what a softie!" I was convinced that this chick was as weak as overcooked spaghetti - okay for her - but not my thing.

So when I entered the world of the domestic engineer, I think my "penchant for driving myself nuts" kicked in full force and I thought I had something to prove.  I had to squeeze every drop of blood and energy from myself each and every day in a mad frenzy to prove to everyone that I was tough, bold, strong, a hard worker. 

Heaven forbid than anyone ever get the idea that I enjoy being home with my kids.  Imagine what it would do to my reputation if people knew that I wasn't dressed to full makeup and holding a cup of coffee when my daycare kids arrived.  Oh the horror if it got out that I dozed on the couch with my book every day between 1:30 and 2:00!  Tough-as-nails does NOT go along with plays-and-sings.  

And there it is.  The inner turmoil - so silly because no one knew/cared but me.  From now on, I will try to enjoy my time at home.  I will try to be less staunch about my schedules, and allow for some leeway in my routines.

Today - I skipped my bathroom swish and swipe...rebel, I know.  I even let Miss A do her school work on the front porch while the 4 youngers played.  Outdoor time is not on the official 2010/2011 School Year Schedule until 11:00 - 11:45...but we went out at 10:15!  

It feels good to be a gansta. 

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