Thursday, December 9, 2010

Time for Introspection

You know how a woman's brain is like spaghetti? We think of one thing and it leads to the next and the next and the next? Well, today, a friends FaceBook status lead me to a song by Tesla.

Now, that got me thinking about this lady I used to live downstairs from in Florida who absolutely LOVED Tesla. She was groovy and taught me how to make a mean Shepherd's Pie. She had a knack for keeping plants and really had some beautiful specimens. She was very tan, had a boxer dog named Tyson, and liked wine coolers.

That's all the good I can drum up from this era 10 years ago. I absolutely hated when she would blast Tesla "Love Song" from her apartment. Love? I had a beautiful 2 year old that was my only living example. No relationship with God, drank to much, worked two jobs, had a boyfriend who was in constant trouble. Our relationship was volatile at best.

And I was thousands of miles away from home.

It's amazing how a song can transport you back in time. Oh, my heart just aches when I think about how horribly alone I felt. No family, no friends, so much burden on my mind. No answers about how life should be, no direction, just surviving day to day. I remember spending time staring through things, just deeply sorrowed and confused. I didn't know what to do. I thought of death. My young son kept me alive.

It's like watching my life flash before my eyes when I mentally fast forward through those years. My head spins and my stomach hurts when, finally, my focus comes in on the here and now. I cry for regret as much as relief. I feel so humbled that despite my mistakes, I have been blessed.

I look around and, as the song goes, Love has found a way. I don't have any more money that I did then, live in a nicer house, or have more clothes to wear. But I am square with everyone I know. I make choices, now, to please a Higher Authority. Ironically, I've ended up being at much better place with my fellow man.

December is always a little hard. My Dad has been gone since 12/10/98. Christmas is awesome but, admittedly, a little stressful in the cash department. Then there's my birthday - you know how that gets you to thinking.

Shed a few tears. Think I will go for a run later, crank some tunes, and cry it the rest of the way out. It sucked, but it's over.

Today is a gift - I'll try not to screw it up. :o)

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