Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Shut Up and Keep Going

I just wish my body was as strong as my will. Ask my husband and he will testify that NO person ever was that strong or ever will be.

I am a combo of the worst kind. Prideful, willful, stubborn, strong and smart. When I was in my teens and twenties I did terrible things to my body with cigarettes, drugs and booze. I did that like I do everything...with a vengance.

I could go into some boring diatribe about what a badass I used to be, but that would serve no purpose here. Suffice it to say that since I turned the energy around, I feel like I can pretty much do anything (in God's will) that I put my mind to.

I have found that fitness is an awesome, time consuming, diversionary, extracarricular activity. When I finally figured out that not everything that I found enjoyable had to be bad for me I was thrilled! I also have figured out one thing along with it.

I can't be the best.

I do not have the word "can't" in my vocabulary. I do not operate well within limitations. I truly don't understand why I cannot run an 8 minute mile, why I cannot force my body to ride a bike 15 miles at a shot, why I cannot just work hard, train hard, and be a freakin' physical badass!

I'm frustrated. I had some sort of respiratory attack while riding my bike on Monday morning and ended up in the hospital. I couldn't catch my breath and had all the symptoms of a heart attack. I was alone on the trail, I was scared.

I started making deals...

One of those deals was to start dealing with this will of mine. I guess I can't just keep pushing my body around like this. I trained, by the book, for a half marathon and never lost one stinking ounce of weight or got one stinking second faster. At some point I have to accept that this is the way God wants me to be and be happy.

I guess I'm not done dealing with this pride thing either. I would never hold anyone else to the standard that I hold myself to. I have a constant inner dialogue that is a cynical, criticizing slave driver for whom nothing is ever good enough.

For the past few weeks I have felt far away from God. I have felt badly that I don't get my Bible read on a daily basis and that my prayers are often fragmented with other friviouls thoughts about my daily life. I forget to pray with the kids at meals and most of the time by the time I get them to bed, I'm to chicken to go back in there to pray. I can't even have a relationship with God "perfectly".

So I guess if I think I'm such hot stuff that I can do it all by myslef, God will just let me. Afterall, he's always here - it's me that moves

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