Friday, May 30, 2008

Here We Go Again

I went to the doctor yesterday as a follow up for my little ER visit on Monday. Thankfully my heart is very strong (bp 94/60) and my lungs are clear. There is no biological reason for having a respiratory emergency and resultant heart attack type symptoms. All of the tests in the hospital (x-ray, ekg, bloodwork) pointed towards a very healthy, young (!) person.


It seems that my two constant companions Fatigue and Anxiety have decided that they are going to try to kill me. Thinking back, this all makes sense. I had actually gone on that bike ride because I was so tired and I thought maybe I just needed some exercise and fresh air. What my mind thought, my body revolted against. Then, since I couldn't breathe I panicked - making my chest tight and everything that much worse.

Makes perfect sense to me. Why, then, does my chest still get tight? Why is it hard to breathe? Why does this all seem to hit me around 6:30 in the morning and the mysteriously dissipate around 2:00 in the afternoon?

Well, I need to make some changes, that's for sure. I know I need to take a step down on my exercising and decide that I don't need to kill myself every time I go out for a run. I need to stop stressing over the laundry, the dishes, and the dirty floor...(haven't we heard this before)... where's that blog entry from six months ago...

Last time it was my back that was so far out of whack I had to go and have it adjusted while I cried. Oh man that hurt. The time before that it was a headache that I had for a week that I was sure was going to kill me.

Every freaking time I go to the doctor I get the same stinking diagnosis. Fatigue and Anxiety. My doctor isn't a pill pusher which is fine 'cause I'm not a pill popper. He won't perscribe much for anxiety other than obvious lifestyle changes. These little physical breakdowns are getting closer together and are getting more severe.

What do I do? Where do I make the changes. Well, I think I have decided that alot of this lies with me and my perception of the things in my daily life. I am guilty of being my own worse critic and never letting myself "off the hook" when I do something wrong. In my mind there is no excuse. For anything. At any time.

I have to change my thinking. A little at a time. Today I will start with, ummm...hmm...I will start with not freaking out about how short the weekend will be. Maybe I need to start with a little less planning and a little more living in the moment.

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