Our 9 year old was very angry with me today. She had a very bad episode while getting ready for church and it was apparent that she was totally exhausted. My husband is a man of seemingly limitless patience. I mean, he's married to me, right?
But really, he did much better with her than I did. The deal was, that since she basically screamed from the time she woke up until we hit the church door, she couldn't go to her volley ball game at 2pm and must come home and take a nap.
Enforcing that yielded the same results as before. The screaming, the crying, the hurling of insults my way. I've been told before that she hated me. I don't respond. Today she upped the ante and threw out the old "I'm gonna kill myself."
I responded, in my usual style, with "Well, you'll have to explain to Jesus why you didn't want to finish the work he had for you down here, then!" I knew she was just trying to get to me.
And it worked.
I tried to take a nap, but my back was so tense I had nerve pain down my legs and in to the soles of my feet. She napped and woke up feeling better. She played nicely with her sister and brother, she even helped me out with giving them supper while David was at a meeting at church. For her, life went on.
Things have gone from bad to worse in my brain over the afternoon and evening. It's been hard to catch my breath and I laid on the couch for almost an hour with the room passing me by. I can't help but think that this is it. This is my punishment. For the sins of my youth, my daughter will suffer.
That's a lie, you know. The Father of Lies always does this when there's a chink in the Armour of Andrea. He takes a crowbar dipped in painful memories and tries to pry it in there. I can feel him on my shoulders weighing me down. His fingers around my throat, his words in my ear. "You're don't belong in this life." "What do you think you're trying to do - fit in?" "Your daughter is going to be screwed up - just like YOU!" Maniacal laughter...
All I can do when this happens is hold on to what I know is true. Jesus died for me. He thought I was worth all that. The God of the whole universe is on my side. That's all true. Truth with a capitol "T". That's all about I can get out at this point. The rest is just swirling around. It seems like, lately, when this happens I can at least see through it. It just takes time for the dust to settle. I feel like I'm drowning in a shallow pool, but I just can't stand up.
Till then, a little something from one of my favorite Christian artists. They speak in a way that I can understand.