Sunday, June 1, 2008

Feeling Citrique

Pretty good day today. Had a nice time at church this moring, grilled some brats for lunch, took the kids to the Y for a swim, picked up a nice rotisserie chicken for dinner and now I'm here typing away on my fa-fa-favorite peice of technology, ahhh...the laptop.

Our sermon this morning was on Love. It seems that there are several different kinds of love - Pastor listed them but I can't remember all four. They range from the way you love your kids to the way you love your spouse. You love your friends, you love your nieghbor - and God loves you.

And that's what I got out of it. God loves YOU. I guess I know in my head that he loves me to, but I don't really feel it, you know? I'm so hard on myself I guess I really don't think that even God loves me. And that's bad. You know that old saying that you can't love anyone until you love yourself...well really it's missing a step - you can't love yourself until you accept that God loves you.

Pastor talked about loving people no matter where they were, even if they were sort of like lemons - you know mechanical devices that break down at every turn. That never seem to be fully fixed and cause stress and irritation ad nausea. Today I sat there and thougth - that's me. I feel like a lemon. Then I looked around at my beautiful family, my good health and my freedom and started to feel so guilty and selfish, so I felt worse!

So I'm working on it. I don't really know where to start. Self-loathing is something that happens over a lifetime and you don't just wake up one day and say "Gee, I'm pretty neat - guess I've been wrong all this time". I think I actually got a good start about 5 years ago when I finally walked through Christopher Orr's door and chatted with him once a week for nearly 2 years. On that day I couldn't even lift my head to look him in the eye while we talked. I had on my "good shirt", no makeup and I was so afraid of people that I couldn't even make a phone call to ask the gas company not to shut me off.

So I'll go from here. And for everyone reading this that loves me and wants to shower me with well wishes, scoffs about how I couldn't possibly feel that bad, and a few well placed pats on the back hoping to make me feel better.

Please Don't.

If I really factored in how you feel about me then this wouldn't be the problem, now would it? Don't worry - I'm tough. I gotta stop telling God how big this storm is inside me and start telling that storm how big my God is.

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