Life Is Beautiful

I went to the doctor yesterday as a follow up for my little ER visit on Monday. Thankfully my heart is very strong (bp 94/60) and my lungs are clear. There is no biological reason for having a respiratory emergency and resultant heart attack type symptoms. All of the tests in the hospital (x-ray, ekg, bloodwork) pointed towards a very healthy, young (!) person. However. It seems that my two constant companions Fatigue and Anxiety have decided that they are going to try to kill me. Thinking back, this all makes sense. I had actually gone on that bike ride because I was so tired and I thought maybe I just needed some exercise and fresh air. What my mind thought, my body revolted against. Then, since I couldn't breathe I panicked - making my chest tight and everything that much worse. Makes perfect sense to me. Why, then, does my chest still get tight? Why is it hard to breathe? Why does this all seem to hit me around 6:30 in the morning and the mysteriously dissipate around...

I just wish my body was as strong as my will. Ask my husband and he will testify that NO person ever was that strong or ever will be. I am a combo of the worst kind. Prideful, willful, stubborn, strong and smart. When I was in my teens and twenties I did terrible things to my body with cigarettes, drugs and booze. I did that like I do everything...with a vengance. I could go into some boring diatribe about what a badass I used to be, but that would serve no purpose here. Suffice it to say that since I turned the energy around, I feel like I can pretty much do anything (in God's will) that I put my mind to. I have found that fitness is an awesome, time consuming, diversionary, extracarricular activity. When I finally figured out that not everything that I found enjoyable had to be bad for me I was thrilled! I also have figured out one thing along with it. I can't be the best. I do not have the word "can't" in my vocabulary. I do not operate well within limi...

Yesterday I packed up my breastpump, all the assecories and Baby Susan's bottles, nipples, drop in's, drying rack, etc. I took it all downstairs and put it away in a safe place. My husband wondered if I wanted it put in a garbage bag or some other bag to protect it from dust etc. He remembers how important that thing was to me. This time around I was going to succeed with the whole breast feeding thing. I vowed to ask for help, purchase the appropriate supplies, and do what it took to nurse my third baby beyond that first two weeks. And because God is good and I am the most stubborn woman on the planet, I did. I took 12 weeks maternity leave. It was largely unpaid (I had a small insurance policy that covered my health insurance and taxes while I was gone) but worth every dollar we put on our credit card because of it. Baby was 4 weeks early, milk was slow to come in, I had a uterine infection and mastitis 4 times so I ended up needing that extra time. When I returned to wo...

Well, I'm going to break my tradition of excellence in blogging and go for a topic that makes my 4th graders gaffaw...slobber. Sometimes when little kids sleep, they drool a little and they wake up with it all sort of dried to thier face. A chalky white line outlines where the slobber ebbed and flowed with the deep respiration of sleep. It's kind of cute, really. The wake up and use the back of thier hand to wipe it away, mash a fist in each eye and stumble out of thier room anxious to meet the day. I've been short on sleep lately. Okay, for a couple of years now, but that's not the point. The point is when I do sleep, I sleep HARD. I normally begin snoring right before my head hits the pillow and when the alarm goes off it scares me so bad that I'm out of bed before I know what happened. The other day when the alarm went off I realized that I had been sleeping face first in my pillow, arms down at my sides with my mouth hanging wide open and drooling like a ch...

So I'm going down the aisle at the grocery store after work yesterday, pushing little baby Susan right along. She was fussy, her top two teeth are coming in and she has recently realized that being strapped in = not being able to get away and that makes her mad. Anyway, we have our little ritual. We bring in our green reusable grocery bag (purchased at the store for .99 and boy are they ever big!) she holds that and tries to put it on her head while I hold the list and grab what we need for dinner. When I'm done with the list, she is usually done playing with the bag and I give her the list to "play" with (maim, chew, destroy, eat). She was really being quite patient yesterday. For someone who isn't yet a year old, she really seems to understand what we are saying when we talk to her. She had reached for the list several times, and I had told her to just wait and made an appropriately funny face and sound effect. When I was finally done with the list I gave it to ...

Being a parent is alot like being an attention buffet. The kids can just walk into the room, grab a plate and get some attention anytime day or night. It's really cheap for them, always available and someone else cleans up thier mess. While they are munching on your attention, things are happening in the background. You're thinking about what your going to make for dinner, that the baby needs diapers, the grass needs mowing, and whatever happened to that project you were working on making kitchen curtains... From the time you get up until you go to bed (and if you're like me, while you're asleep too!) you have your attention divided. Proverbs 31 says a ton of good stuff about how to be a wife of noble character. One thing I noticed was in verse 15 is that it talks about her getting up before everyone to plan her day. While I don't think that I will start getting up any earlier to plan my day, I do see that this points to the importance of time alone. The dema...

I was sitting at my desk today and it occured to me that I could do the bulk of my job anywhere at anytime with not much difficulty. My job has gone through a significant metamorphasis in the last year. Used to be that I did alot of customer service stuff, greeting people, talking on the phone, you know. But ever since I returned from maternity leave last fall, my job has become more about accounting. I do the data entry for payroll and enter process and maintain accounts recievable. I also still have some periphery duties in customer service but it's mostly because I'm the only one who's been there long enough to just know a little bit about everything. Man, I would love to work from home. It would be different, and a challange to be sure, but I could adjust. I would need to have set hours of course, just like any job. But not having to get dressed and leave for work every day at 6:30 would be great. And then you factor in transportations and how ours has been in the shop ...

I've been thinking lately about what happens when you are to busy for friends. I am embarrassed to say that a friend called me two weeks ago and I haven't called her back yet. I think about her, I read her blog and check her "space" but I haven't made time to call her. Sad, really. I miss my friends, I really do. I think about them all the time. D has a teenaged daughter that I'm interested in how she's doing and a little guy getting ready to enter Kindergarten in the fall. A is pregnant with baby number two and actually called me earlier...I missed the call - I was folding laundry in the other room. Why am I blogging rather than calling a friend. Well, it's simple really. I am seated at the dining room table on the laptop. The baby is in the highchair to my right finishing up some finger food. My 6 year old is seated to my left doing her best to finish her dinner to secure a treat later. Directly ahead of me is my 9 year old who is playing some sort o...

Bright and early at 6:30 this morning, I heard my pretty little baby singing to her teddy bear and kicking the bars of her crib. She was awake and ready to get up. When you're eleven months old, it doesn't matter what else only that you're awake and it's light outside. It's Sunday and I wish I'd had more sleep. But since it is Sunday and I should make something yummy like pancakes since my sister is here from KC I guess I better get up. Just like every other Sunday on record, I was the last one ready today. Seems like there's always somebody else in there or a baby that needs to be fed, or something going on. I didn't get in the shower till 30 minutes before we had to leave for church. Needless to say - we were late again. My Mom was already there at the church. She had driven 100 miles to join us for worship today to see our youngest dedicated. We slid in there just in time. The dedication was nice and our Pastor delivered a really great mess...

Ever hear someone say "Take the rest of the day off, you deserve it." "Or, you've worked hard, take a load off, you deserve it." Or maybe, "Indulge yourself, you deserve it." Just snap on the television and you're bound to hear one or a variation of these in short order. With Mother's Day on Sunday, I've heard things like "treat Mom like she deserves to be treated" and such. Of course these are commercials from places that will tell you anything to sell you something. Even if your Mom was kind of crappy, they have a card or bouquet to celebrate it. I've been thinking about this because I have someone new in my life who is highly complimentary to me. She's a really neat lady, a Mom, Wife and beautiful young woman. I can't for the life of me understand why she thinks I'm so neat. Sounds like she's been around some really lost and mean people in her life, so maybe just the fact that I don't yell at her is a pl...

This morning I'm tired. Being a wife and a mom is a big honking job and alot of the time you're work goes unnoticed and outwardly unappreciated. Get over it. Susan got up to eat about 4:30 this morning, so that last hour of sleep was abbreviated at best. I shuffled into the bathroom and turned on the shower. When I looked around a bit to get my eyes adjusted to the light I noticed a square of toilet paper over the opening to an empty kleenex box. I had intended to pitch that box when I saw that it was empty but forgot last night. Mom Note: Whey the heck do you guys always use the last of things and refuse to throw the empty container away? How many times do I have to tell you... I grab the square of toilet paper off of there and wad it up to throw it away, and as I look down to grab that empty box I see a small blue stuffed bunny smiling up at me. He was lovingly wrapped in several more squares of toilet paper and put "night night" in that empty tissue box. **...

Wow! What an absolutely spectacular day we had here in good old Nebraska yesteday! It was 80 degrees and sunshiney. Our children played out back with the hose in thier swimsuits. It was so nice to be off at 2:00 and be able to come home, work in the yard have time to cook dinner, clean up and actually be able to talk to my kids. Alahnnah made me a sign that said "Mommy, you r a axpert at coocing. Love Alahnnah". I guess she really liked dinner! So here's a verse that's on my mind today. Psalm 86:11 Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. What I was looking at was the bit about the "undivided heart". God wants my heart to be for him and him alone. It's easy for me, being raised in a Judeo-Christian society, to not have any other gods before Him. But what about things that I elevate to godhood and come before him? For me it's stuff like business. Doing ...

I had this really strange dream last night...I can hear my smarty-pants Husband saying "Really?"...I dream in living color and WEIRD nearly every night. Anyway - I was dreaming that I was looking to get a job at a packing plant. I was walking accross the parking lot where everyone was getting off work and getting thier cars, motorcycles, prortable gas grills (see?) out of thier garages to drive home. I had to check in with this kindly old woman at a concession stand to get directions to HR. When I got to HR I had to enter my info on the computer and make myself a temporary name badge just to walk in the place. All the people in the HR office were women with '80's hair, clothes and jewlry and they were all rushing around like they were just swamped. I was thinking "gee, I might miss my cushy office job if I work on the line, but I won't miss that stress". I waited my turn and they called me into an office that opened up into a clearing where a Native ...